skyemate

Okay, today sucked balls. Why? Because I was dragged to my cousins' home + to DQ + to bowling + mcdonalds....etc...etc..

Anywho. Midst this whole day...eating fest..I realized what I really want....I looked at my cousin (who is SO skinny is amazing) and told myself that is what I want to be and I WILL be it. So, to fix things up I know on ABC that if you ever binge, you fast the next day but this time I'm going to fast the next THREE days. After that I'll be back on track and ready to continue with my ABC!!!! WOOOOOOT~!

Feeling:

optimistic

A fast tomorrow...I must complete this. I wish I didn't have to say this but I did eat some grapes...but I purged it ALL out...so that leaves me to that 200 cals (from last night...past 12 thing).

I don't have work tomorrow either...I have to find something to do on the days I don't have work...hmm...

Oh, and I had this WIERD dream. I had a dream I was having the biggest binge on oreo icecream cake. I was surrounded by a whole room full of tall, beautiful, skinny models who didn't eat a single morsel of the cake. I looked like them too. But then, I ate a slice, and another, and another and I couldn't stop!!!! The models remained hungry, not eating and I began to get fatter and fatter and I couldn't stop stuffing my face with the cake.

....That dream really scared the living hell out of me when I woke. I do NOT want that to EVER happen. Ohhhh mann..... it will not happen. I will complete this. I will become thin, perfect, beautiful. I can see it already. It's so close. I can FEEL it.

Feeling:

drained

Goal: FAST
Reached: Yes

Today was a fast, everything went well and I didn't expect to eat anything till tomorrow except at exactly 12:30ish I got REALLY hungry and had a bowl of grapes (about 200 cals). At first, I completely flipped but then told myself it was okay because it technically counted as the next day. So, since I've had the limit of day 5 (it being past 12), I will not have anything else, "today." <--- Almost makes it now seem like a fasting day (plus the next day is ALSO a fast so...lol).

But for some reason, I feel so fat for eating that...and since I felt so fat for eating that, I ate a BIG piece of coconut cake and then freaked out more, downed two bottles of water and a small bowl of plain yogurt so I can purge everything back up -___-" Honestly, my mind works in strange ways...that was the most pointless shit I've ever done. Anyways, I did manage to get out the most I could and I'll just leave myself at the 200 limit and forget about this little incident as I do not wish to get myself paranoid any further.

.....

I really have to go out and buy a red bracelet....I haven't had any time to! Gahhh!!

Feeling:

crushed

Goal: 50 cals
Reached: Yes

Had: 25 grapes (50 cals)

The thing is however, I ate more grapes than that, freaked out, ate a whole bunch of plain yogurt and purged (the yogurt was to bring it back up, of course)....so, I'll still say I reached the goal since I tried getting out all of what I could. Tomorrow's a fast anyway.

I think I should go out and buy a red bracelet and wear it like, all the time, especially if I'm doing things like ABC or
2468 to keep me more motivated and strong.

I have work tomorrow (I work at mcdonalds lol) from 5pm to 10pm, so I'm hoping the fasting goes well if I come home late and just watch youtube or something till I go to bed.

I will now attempt on sleeping. Goooooodnight.
 

Feeling:

awake

Goal: FAST
Reached: Yes.

So it's 2.39am atm and I can't sleep. I've been lying in bed since 10pm, trying. I even took a sleeping pill. This is really, really pissing me off. I've been such an insomniac for the past month, it's lame. I feel so restless!!!

Today was okay. I suck at fasts now. Especially when it's the evening...I get cravings. I actually stood in front of my fridge with a cake I made a few days ago in hand, staring at it. I was SO close to taking a slice and screwing this whole ABC thing. THANK GOD, I didn't. It took strength but I put it right back in the fridge, shut the door and walked away. But it scares me how close I was to screwing up already. I must not let that sort of thing happen. Under no circumstance. No friggen way.

Tomorrow = 50 cals and then another fasting day after that....I can do thissssss!

On another note, I'm on my period and I feel so bloated..
 

Feeling:

irritated

Day one was yesterday and it was a fast. I completed it, yay! So, self pat on the back. I busied myself by making this huge complicated dinner for my family and it took quite some time. Not to mention, I was VERY exhausted by the end of it.

I also had a LONG talk with my boyfriend yesterday on msn who is in china at the moment (he's been there for nearly a month now). He's coming back next week (or something like that). He knows about my ED and still loves me. I told him about my weight gain and that I wasn't good enough for him. I actually tried to seriously break up with him because I am THAT ugly. He got REALLY, REALLY pissed off and would not let me do anything like that.

....he says he doesn't give a fuck and loves me for who I am not what I am.

=)

=)

=)

I love him to death. We want to marry, have kids and a nice home in the future.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand he loves my cooking LOL.

xD

Feeling:

amused

So, I went to the doctor this morning and I got weighed. I did this so I knew where I was at the starting of all of this mess. "This mess" is 124. Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting and disgraceful (I'm 5'3).

So, in total, I have gained (in one month) a total of 21 pounds. I was at a somewhat satisfactory 103 when this all spiraled out of control. Thus, I have 21 pounds to lose.

I have a plan. The Ana Boot Camp Diet (ABC). The thing is, I don't excersise, so I'm going to alter it (also because I need to drop weight asap in the next few days cause 124 is just gross).

DAY 1 (July 27, 09): fast
DAY 2 (July 28): fast
DAY 3 (July 29): 50 calories
DAY 4 (July 30): fast
DAY 5 (July 31): 200 calories
DAY 6 (Aug 01): fast
DAY 7 (Aug 02): 100 calories
DAY 8 (Aug 03): 50 calories
DAY 9 (Aug 04): 400 calories
DAY 10 (Aug 05): fast
DAY 11 (Aug 06): 100 calories
DAY 12 (Aug 07): 200 calories
DAY 13 (Aug 08): 400 calories
DAY 14 (Aug 09): 50 calories
DAY 15 (Aug 10): 250 calories
DAY 16 (Aug 11): 200 calories
DAY 17 (Aug 12): fast
DAY 18 (Aug 13): 200 calories
DAY 19 (Aug 14): 100 calories
DAY 20 (Aug 15): fast
DAY 21 (Aug 16): 200 calories
DAY 22 (Aug 17): 50 calories
DAY 23 (Aug 18): 200 calories
DAY 24 (Aug 19): 450 calories
DAY 25 (Aug 20): 100 calories
DAY 26 (Aug 21): 50 calories
DAY 27 (Aug 22): 100 calories
DAY 28 (Aug 23): fast
DAY 29 (Aug 24): 100 calories
DAY 30 (Aug 25): 300 calories
DAY 31 (Aug 26): 550 calories
DAY 32 (Aug 27): fast
DAY 33 (Aug 28): 50 calories
DAY 34 (Aug 29): 300 calories
DAY 35 (Aug 30): 600 calories
DAY 36 (Aug 31): fast
DAY 37 (Sep 01): 100 calories
DAY 38 (Sep 02): 450 calories
DAY 39 (Sep 03): 200 calories
DAY 40 (Sep 04): 200 calories
DAY 41 (Sep 05): 50 calories
DAY 42 (Sep 06): 250 calories
DAY 43 (Sep 07): 200 calories
DAY 44 (Sep 08): 400 calories
DAY 45 (Sep 09): 50 calories
DAY 46 (Sep 10): 200 calories
DAY 47 (Sep 11): 300 calories
DAY 48 (Sep 12): 200 calories
DAY 49 (Sep 13): 150 calories
DAY 50 (Sep 14, 09): fast

THE RULES ARE THIS:
1. Take green tea extract pills (200 mg) each day (20 on fasting days...split into 3 meals and 10 on non fasting days).
2. Take all vitamins + minerals on each day.
3. Stick to only fruits + veggies - the negative calorie foods
3. Don`t give in to food.
4. Don`t trust the mirror (just because you notice a difference in the mirror that you may have gotten skinnier doesn`t mean you`re still not fat...you may THINK for a sec that `hey, I don`t look that bad so it`s okay if I eat _______` THE TRUTH IS THAT YOU STILL ARE FAT....JUST NOT AS FAT AS BEFORE).
5. Make sure you follow the 50-day plan.
6. Look at thinspo EVERY day.
7. Excersise when and if you can.
8. Write a journal of what you ate, what you didn`t, how your day went and progress.
9. Weigh yourself every 10th day and keep a record of your loss (I`ll try my best to, but I have no scale at home anymore).
10. Don`t listen to others, they lie.


Okay, so that`s about it.

Feeling:

discontent